Love Language

I am presently reading 'Adakah Surga Di Rumahmu?' by Amru Khalid. I bought this book way back when Aishah was still a baby (or was it even before Aishah was born?). When I read it at the time, I found it to be a bit boring so after reading 2 or 3 chapters, I stopped and put it away.

Now, after a few years, in the midst of raising two daughters and having a household to take care of, I find this book very interesting. As usual, Amru Khalid's writing method seems so dear to the heart. There are some interesting parenting tips shared in the book, which I've decided to document here in the blog.

ASDR Parenting Tip 1 - Love Language

Theory

Parents, or anyone for that matter, should try to express their love to their children first before giving advice or asking them to do something. The expression of love will soften the children's heart and make them more receptive of the advice/request.

Amru Khalid suggested to verbally express our love before giving advice. But I personally believe that this method can be strengthened with Dr. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages theory, in which you express your love towards your child based on her love language, not just limited to verbal expression. I think this is what Rasulullah SAW did too, as you can see from the dalils below.

Dalil

• Ketika Nabi SAW sedang berjalan, beliau pernah melihat Muadz bin Jabal yang waktu itu berumur 19 tahun. Beliau memegang tangan Muadz dan berjalan bersama-sama. Beberapa saat kemudian, Nabi berkata kepada Muadz, "Wahai Muadz," lalu Muadz menjawab, "Ya, wahai Rasulullah." Nabi bersabda, "Wahai Muadz, saya menyukaimu, maka setiap habis solat, jangan lupa membaca doa: Allahumma a'inni 'alaa zikrika wasyukrika wahusni 'ibadatik (Ya Allah, bimbinglah aku untuk mengingatiMu, syukur kepadaMu, dan beribadah kepadaMu dengan sebaik-baiknya)." (HR Abu Daud dan Ahmad)
• Nabi SAW pernah bertemu Abu Umamah, seorang sahabat yang umurnya sekitar 16 tahun. Beliau berkata, "Wahai Abu Umamah, ada di antara manusia yang kalau saya melihatnya hati saya menjadi sejuk dan engkau termasuk di anatara mereka. Wahai Abu Umamah, jika engkau masuk rumah, berilah salam kepada penghuni rumah agar menjadi barakah bagimu dan bagi penghuni rumah." Abu Umamah berkata, "Demi Allah, saya tidak melupakan (nasihat itu) sejak saat itu."
• Ibnu Mas'ud bercerita, "Rasulullah SAW mengajarku tasyahhud seperti beliau mengajariku satu surah Al-Quran (ertinya, beliau menuturkan dan mengulang-ulanginya). Beliau melakukan hal itu sementara tangan beliau diletakkan di atas tanganku dan telapak tangan beliau di atas telapak tanganku."
• Ibnu Abbas, ketika Nabi SAW wafat baru berusia 13 tahun. Ketika berumur 11 tahun, Nabi telah melihat bakat dan kepandaian Ibnu Abbas. Ketika Nabi melihat Ibnu Abbas datang, beliau membuka kedua tangannya, merangkul, dan membenamkannya dalam cinta kasih. Kemudian, beliau membisikkan doa dan nasihat di telinganya: "Ya Allah, jadikanlah ia orang yang faham dalam agama." Benarlah akhirnya, Ibnu Abbas menjadi orang yang paling faqih di antara umat ini.
• Sekiranya kamu bersikap keras lagi berhati kasar, tentulah mereka menjauhkan diri dari sekelilingmu..." (Ali Imran: 159)

Look at the way Rasulullah treats his sahabahs. Love first, then advice! How can someone forget or even ignore the advice given AFTER feeling the love of Rasulullah? Never! I've read before that Rasulullah SAW always gave special treatment, care and kindness to each of his sahabahs until all of them thought that Rasulullah liked them the most! Masha Allah... 

Application

One afternoon Aishah had a fight with Maryam, in which Aishah hurt her sister until she cried. I took a deep breath, took Aishah's hand and led her to sit on my lap. I hugged her and said, 

"Aishah sayang, Aishah marah sebab Maryam ambik toy Aishah ke tadi? Aishah suka sangat toy tu ye. Adik pun suka toy tu, sbb tu adik ambik toy tu. Dia kecik lagi... 

Aishah ingat tak macam mana ummi ajar kalau Aishah nak mintak something from adik?"

Aishah nodded. I reminded her,

"First, kita minta dari dia elok-elok. Kalau dia tak nak bagi juga, kita cari something yang adik suka dan bagi dia, untuk exchange dengan barang tu. Tapi kalau adik tak nak bagi juga, Aishah panggil ummi minta tolong."

Aishah nodded again, and straight away asked nicely from her sister. After having a fight, the first method (asking nicely) will usually work. Aishah seldom had to resort to the second method.

It worked! Alhamdulillah. If I responded to the conflict with anger, Aishah will usually shout at me back. Being calm and firm usually works, but to remain calm is indeed the greatest challenge!

May Allah give us all the strength. Love first, then advice!